Five Years Since Everything Changed
Five years basically to the minute.
What do five years even mean? What does it look like? A half-decade without my Dad, 1/6th of the half decades I've been on this earth. I'll be younger than he was when he passed when I'll have spent more years without him than with him.
Almost everything I've accomplished, achieved, sought, done, has been as a result of decisions made and actions taken after his passing. Would he recognize the path I'm on given that almost all of it started after he was gone? Would it make sense to him? Would he understand it?
I spent a good portion of my childhood with a dedicated, but absentee father. A good man who lived too far away to be ever-present with a teenager who didn't particularly understand the necessity of communication.
We really reconnected when I was in college and he was just a quick drive away. After college, he remained one of my closest friends.
The day we decided to stop treatments was the last day I really was able to dedicate myself to being an actor. That day was over 5 years ago. The thing I dedicated my entire life towards being hasn't really been a part of my life in more time than I actively pursued it professionally.
Does that matter? Are the pivots and the successes and the forging new paths the point? Does being forced away from a goal tarnish the ones you achieve later?
What do memories mean the longer they recede and become less vivid? Will he? I can still hear his laugh when I close my eyes. I can still see his smile when I look in the mirror. I recognize the features that mold themselves every day a little more into his.
And I hate it.
And I love it.
What does any of that mean, five years later?
I wish I could ask him.
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Photo by Danny Bristoll
(fac·to·tum | \ fak-ˈtō-təm) noun - a person having many diverse activities or responsibilities
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